Tonight is a special night. One year ago today I was moving out of my family’s home and out on my own. Seeing as how I was entering my senior year in college, i wanted to go out and claim my independence. It wasn’t an easy decision to leave home. I had always lived with family and moving away meant I was giving up my support system. It wasn’t like most students who go off to college where their parents pay for their rent or bring them food or even come and visit every once in a while. Moving out; that was it. Knowing this; I still made the decision to move out.

A lot has changed since then. I’ve opened up more. I’ve become more social and made more friends than i did before. It’s been great. But tomorrow i’ll be moving into a new apartment with some good friends of mine. As I look back on this past year, the pressing question in my mind is “Am i better than i was back then?” Have I grown from this experience and am i better because of it?

A big part of me is ashamed to say no. Although this year has been fill ed with amazing moments and life changing experiences, i’ve made some mistakes along the way. Some of which i’ll keep with me for a very long time. This year hasn’t been easy. And currently i’m at a low point. I came into this phase of my life running. Unfortunately, it turns out that i didn’t have as much endurance as i thought i did. But at a time in my life where i’m both lost and left with nearly nothing, i’m reminded of Descartes. People remember Descartes for famously saying “I think, therefore I am.” The reason Descartes said this was because he was a skeptic. So much so, that one day he decided to be a skeptic of everything. He wondered how he could be certain of what he saw, what he experienced, and what he knew. His hyperbolic skepticism led him to doubt everything that made his world turn; so much so that he even questioned his own existence. It is at this point that his famous line becomes relevant. Since he is able to think and reason he concludes that he must exist. After that he goes on a bible frenzy about how god must exist which i won’t go into. But in a lot of ways, i can somehow relate to Descartes. It is at this moment that i feel like i’m down to nothing.

As depressing as all this may come off, I actually see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to build a new foundation and work my way up. Very rarely do we get a chance to look at our lives, our choices, and our values and completely reevaluate everything. Just as with Descartes, this is no easy task. Like most people, I have my demons and my skeletons in my closet; but i wouldn’t be who i am today if I didn’t have these things. I may not be better than i was a year ago and in some aspects i may be worse, but in all honesty, i’d rather be worse off and have the conviction to lift myself up than to be slightly better and be stuck in a mediocre state of complacency. I’ve always tried to be the kind of person who aims to reach an unreachable ceiling. If i can take away a lesson from my current state of affairs it would be that in these moments of difficulty where I feel tested and challenged and nothing seems to come easy; I should consider these moments reminders that we must work for what we have and what we want. Even if that thing we want is an intangible such as being better than we were before.

In that regard I guess I am better than i was before. I’ve known what it feels like to be untouchable; as if everything you could ever want is within reach. You almost feel immortal. But to sit down and realize that nothing will be handed to you; that there will be times when you will have to swallow your pride and seek help or know that you aren’t untouchable; maybe that takes more courage than to simply be able to say that you’ll just go for what you want no matter what it takes.

I’m looking forward to this coming year. It will hopefully be a year filled with opportunity and self growth. Luckily, I have good people in my life. And when you feel like you have nothing that counts for a whole lot.  That’s all i’ve got for now. Till next time, stay gold and i’ll check back soon.